from the archive: a slow living confession - I find it hard to relax
why is letting go of being productive so hard, even when we know it's good for us?
This voiceover was recorded, unedited, in my home so there may be occasional sounds of life in the background. Whether it’s something you need or prefer, I hope you enjoy it nonetheless!
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This post was first published on 6th August 2023.
Hello lovely
My name is Charlene, I write about slow, creative living and I find it hard to relax.
I’m both a list-maker and an optimist. Sounds harmless enough, right? But these personality traits are at their most dangerous during the summer holidays when they combine to create a lingering pressure to be productive and an almost entirely unrealistic concept of time. I tell myself that this is my time to shine, to complete all the tasks that will lead to a state of complete relaxation and peace of mind - within six weeks I’ll be a new woman. I’ll write a bank of Substack posts, clean the carpets, start sketching again, walk the dogs, do daily yoga, visit friends, declutter the house, and I’ll feel so relaxed after doing it all. That’s just week one so imagine how relaxed I’ll feel by August!
Sing it with me, friends: Hi, it’s me. I’m the problem, it’s me.
Apparently, I live with an entirely self-imposed pressure to always be achieving something which is clearly ridiculous and completely unsustainable. The worst part is I know that and yet here we still are. I seem to have fooled myself into thinking that because I live at a slower pace overall that it amounts to the same thing as taking an actual break. But slowing down - even sitting still doing nothing - isn’t the same thing as relaxing at all, at least it hasn’t worked out that way for me. So, when my lists (of course there’s more than one, I’m not an amateur) become inevitably overwhelming I avoid them by doing passive nothing-y things like scrolling on my phone while pretending to re-watch Bones rather than choosing a restful activity on purpose like reading that book I’ve been looking forward to starting.
So why is it so hard to stop chasing relaxation like a pot of gold at the never-ending end of the productivity rainbow, even when we already believe in going slowly and aiming for ease?
I think part of the problem, for me at least, is that I often spend more time sitting at home than I’d like (gestures broadly at chronic illness) so when I get time off but feel well I want to make the most of every day. Going through a bad spell of health earlier this year meant that by July my excitement at finally being able to tackle my lists was spiralling out of control along with the lists themselves. This cycle often plays out on a smaller scale day to day: I look forward to getting home to sit down with my book but during my commute I’ll make a list as I drive, mentally giving myself things to do that all feel more important than taking time out, that’s the reward at the end of the list. At the weekend the lists become more ambitious still and I can convince myself that I’ll be able to cram three weeks worth of jobs into two days. I’ll feel so much better and be able to relax properly once it’s all done, right?
I’m sure we’re all aware of how much our environment affects our mood and mental health so it’s may be no surprise that my house isn’t feeling very calming right now. We’re in the midst of (glacially slow but grateful they’re happening) renovations and while corners of the house are starting to look and feel finished, every room is still full of boxes, piles to declutter, and half-finished chores. We weave our way through the hallway between everything from furniture we haven’t sold yet to things that should be in the not-yet-built shed and various pets who always seem to be right in front of me. I can’t wait to have a more organised space but for now everywhere I look are reminders of all the jobs still to do and reasons I should leave the relaxation until we’re further along. Until it’s finished.
But what I’ve realised is that we have to actively choose relaxation as a legitimate way to spend time right now regardless of how many things we still have to get done. We’re allowed to stop. In fact, we must.
We don’t have to finish everything else before we choose to do something relaxing because nothing is ever really finished. We don’t have to earn the right to relax. We can choose to relax right in the middle of our To Do lists, in the middle of our day, in the middle of the mess. We can choose to relax right now - and we should. And while it’s definitely easier said than done I’m determined to keep trying to make that choice and not just taking time out as a consequence of illness, tiredness or burnout.
Consider this letter your permission slip to do the same: leave those dishes in the sink, that email unopened, that room half-painted, and instead sit down with your book and actively choose to relax. I’m trying my best to do the same.
I’d love to know if you find relaxing a challenge or if taking time out is something you find easy to prioritise? What to do you do to let go and recharge? Let me know in the comments - and if you know how to do this whole relaxing thing, tell me all your secrets!
Take good care
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This resonates strongly with me. I live by lists (my Reminders app has 15 different lists 🙈), and yes, I feel guilty if I haven’t ticked them all off!
Resonated with this so much Charlene!! Still finding my way out of it, but this reminder that it can be really simple is a good boost 🥰