rebelling against expectations: changing direction and finding freedom

'cause if we can’t really be ourselves here, what’s the point of showing up?

there’s usually a sign that the new direction is the right one

To me, punk rock is the freedom to create, freedom to be successful, freedom to not be successful, freedom to be who you are. It's freedom.” —

Patti Smith

I’m a person who plans. I’m, in fact, a person who plans then worries about the plan, revises the plan for longer than is necessary before putting off actually executing the plan. (Hello, Perfectionism, my old friend). But when I started writing on Substack I wanted to embrace the freedom of going for it without one, to just crack on without over-pondering and worrying about all the tiny details. And I did it. I just…started. In a way, it felt like the most punk rock thing I’ve ever done: powerful, rebellious, and free, exactly what I’d hoped for.

Something changed earlier this year, though, and by the summer it started to feel like this Substack wasn’t really as free - or as me - as I’d intended. It was starting to feel a bit restrictive, conformist even, and it began to look as though it belonged to someone else. I didn’t see myself and my story reflected back in the way I wanted to and it stopped me from being able to write what I wanted to since it didn’t seem to quite fit with the mood in the space. I realised I was self-censoring, worried that my voice on some topics would sound too harsh, too angry, too something-people-don’t-expect-or-want. All of this happened accidentally, as these things often do, by leaning more into the pretty, soft aesthetic and themes of slow living that I’d used as a starting point. Since I do slow down to notice the details of the day-to-day and I do live in a quiet remote place where life is fairly unhurried, it initially felt like a natural fit.

But the realm of slow living goes beyond a philosophy about living mindfully and into a specific type of cosy aesthetic; there’s often a linen dress and a country home involved where people connect with nature and have wholesome past times and minimal homes. All of that’s lovely - and I read and enjoy many writers who fit seamlessly into that world - but the problem is it’s just not really me. Somewhere along the way parts of my story were getting lost. Don’t get me wrong, everything I’ve shared up to now has been true but there’s so much more outside the frame that is true as well and without those parts included it’s not my whole story. Essentially, Shrek was right: we all have layers. Or, if you prefer your quotes from Walt Whitman, we all “contain multitudes”. I am not one thing and I’m sure you aren’t either.

we all have layers

If you were to meet me on the street I’d more than likely have yesterday’s black eyeliner smudged around my eye even if I’ve diligently done my skincare and wearing sunglasses to avoid eye contact with strangers. I don’t own anything made of linen but I do own a lot of red lipstick, (potentially too many) pairs of studded ankle boots, and a tote bag that says “f*ck the patriarchy”. I like my Jane Austen with a side of feminist rage and enjoy both high- and low-brow culture equally: I find intellectual snobbery incredibly boring and I have no time for it. I love words, sarcastic humour, and firmly believe that well-placed profanity is a thing of beauty and a sign of excellent storytelling. I have a talent for finding the perfect meme for any occasion, use too many gifs in a the group chat, and am not shy to share political opinions in conversation. As a teenager my English teacher called me “feisty” and I hope that’s still true now.

You might be wondering why any of this matters? You might never have thought about any of these things before this moment. You might not really care how I dress or be interested in why I want to connect that to how my Substack looks. You might think that Substack should only be about Serious Writing and nothing so frivolous as an aesthetic. But to me that makes no sense: branding is like dressing your work in a particular outfit just like you would with yourself. It does not mean I’m not taking the writing seriously - quite the opposite - and it does not mean I’m less of an artist for caring about these things. That’s as ridiculous as saying that smart women can’t care about make up or intellectuals can’t enjoy reality TV. No. It just means I’m a whole person.

never underestimate the power of a winged eye

And just like our personal style we adjust it as we grow into who we are, what we identify with best, and how we want to present ourselves to others. Our style is (or certainly can be) both a vulnerable reveal of who we are and an armour at the same time - it gives us confidence to present ourselves to the world in a way that really reflects who we are inside. It’s part of my identity just like my tattoos, my writing, my values, and everything else that goes into the complex soup that makes us human.

So, this new look for haver & sparrow is me redecorating my online space with my offline style - and it feels really bloody good. Actually, it feels a lot like the freedom I was hoping for when I started, that I felt when there was no one reading and there was no pressure to be anything in particular because no one had any expectations. Doing this now feels like another rebellion, breaking out of a mould and I’m excited to see where I can go next with this newfound freedom. It also feels vulnerable - that little voice of “everyone will leave” and “no one will like the real you, stick to what people want to read” has popped up from time to time - but, for me, that’s another sign I’m going in the right direction.

moodboards, fonts, and a few of my favourite things

You might have spotted some changes already like the logo and the splash of neon yellow that looks like my favourite bag. Maybe you haven’t noticed at all. Just know that this now feels more like my home not a house I’ve just moved into, where I - where all of us - can be more fully ourselves.

So, if you’re looking for a different kind of slow, creative living - an edgier, punkier, version where softness, toughness, kindness, and wildness all exist in one place - I hope you’ll stay. You can come just as you are, full of contradictions and not-yet-figured-out-bits and we’ll read poems by incredible women, eat cake, make art, chase beauty, and play our music loud and laugh even louder.

There’s more to come and I can’t wait to show you what I’m working on! If you’re interested then I can show some behind-the-scenes of the process, if you’d like to see what I’m up to? I get very geeky over design and colours and all things font-related so let me know if you’d like me to share. I couldn’t have done this visual work without the marvel that is

Keeley Rees

: she’s the best for sharing ideas, turning my random thoughts into actual designs, and (most importantly of all) sending me medieval animal memes on a regular basis.

Have you changed direction with something lately - your writing, your style, anything else in your life? How did it feel to take that step?

And what do you think of the shiny new outfit I’ve put on haver & sparrow?

Let me know - as ever, I’d love to hear your thoughts!